Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
