It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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