boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
