remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
