i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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