don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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