I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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