You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
