I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
