your thong is hanging out like whoa
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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