I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My ATM looks so different sober.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.