pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.