So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
