He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
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I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
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arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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