Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
