just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
