i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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