I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
