I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
