I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
