Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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