i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
