my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
