Umm I'm too high to move.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
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