I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
