remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize