yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dicks are not precious.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
