I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
