A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
