i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"