You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
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Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
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Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.