Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
