youre lurking in front of me
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
