omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
