Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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