Me. At least after what I've been through.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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