I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
