He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
