He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
