Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
