Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
