i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
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The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
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Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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