Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dignity is for republicans.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
