I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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