I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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