I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just googled if crying burns calories
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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