4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize