Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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