Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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