Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
