Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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