our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I can feel your judgement through the phone
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
