Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
