He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
