I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
