I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
