is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
