saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
