Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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