and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
worst night to have a conscience
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
