i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I have post one night stand depression
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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