I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
this beer tastes like vomit already
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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