i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
