i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
